VII

"As Master Carlos always taught us, if you want to truly know someone, pay attention to them as they fight. When one is engaged in struggle or combat, they cannot hide their true personality." -- Professor Marcio Feitosa

When I first read this quote a few months ago, I thought that it was insightful and profound; when I read it again more recently, I applied it introspectively to my own personality. Of the few occasions that I can remember either being in a fight or some kind of situation where I was being attacked, I have noticed that my response has been characterised by a trend of acquiescence to an attacker's whim, that is to say taking the easy road, (e.g. "If I let them punch me and get their aggression out, then they'll stop") or fear of the unknown if resistance is given (e.g. "If I fight back, who knows what will happen? will their friends attack me? will they put me in hospital?") or fear of the unknown if resistance is given in a negative way (e.g. "If I hit them, will this affect me legally? will I be able to stop myself?"). This truly bothers me because I think that had I gone down fighting I would now be able to look at myself and go "You've never backed down from anyone and you've never been hesitant about defending yourself" but instead I look at myself and go "You didn't even fight back. Not once. When you were a child being hit by men, you didn't fight back" and that's what bothers me. Perhaps they were the right choices at the time but I'm not sure whether they are looking back at them.

I've been embarassed, I've been made to look over my shoulder whenever I'm not inside my own home, I've been paranoid about people who have had no malicious intent towards me, I've been made to feel like the safest place I can be is at home and I can't help but think by adopting these attitudes I am admitting defeat and saying that my attacker won and has won for nearly 10 years of my life. I don't want to be that person anymore.